So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
did you just send me my own nude
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
