yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize