your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
