I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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