I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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