remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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