she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
