He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your penis caused this!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
