Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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