I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
