He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize