Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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