Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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