So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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