You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
