you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
