I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
