He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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