This girl is more easily done than said...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
