then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
