Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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