She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
