Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
