She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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