Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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