I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
