So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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