I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
