hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
