Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
