my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
