So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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