Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
