You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
