he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
