Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
