how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize