She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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