some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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