She said her name was "party"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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