the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
