Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Another day, another engagement, another cat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
