Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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