I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
