I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He shit in the fireplace
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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