someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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