OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
