do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
