She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
