Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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