Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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