Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
