your parents love me but you hate me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize