I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
