it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
