we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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