think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
