My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
