the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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