The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
