I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
