cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
